Male Thought 2000: Dick Edges Out Stomach in State of Mind

HIPPOCAMPUS--It's now official: all 25 of Mind's electors will cast their votes for Dick, so the nation will spend the next four years thinking with the versatile organ.

"I'm prepared to enter the Oval Office," recited Dick. "As a uniter--not a digester like my opponent--I will lead our proud nation into a proud new era of shallow and intense horniness."

"For that is the purpose of our prosperity," Dick later blurted.

Many cells and organs are concerned that the new president's lack of anatomical acumen could spell disaster in bed. "He couldn't find North Clitoris on a map if you put his finger on it. I mean, talk about puden-duh," bellowed Left Lung. "Dumb fucker. This will set back foreign affairs at least 6 months. Some say we're going to get screwed under Dick, but I don't share their optimism."

In an effort to distribute blame, many in the digestive system cite Brain's candidacy. "Brain ruined everything. It's the end of the world and it's all Brain's fault for trying to restore democracy and bring rational thought into the debate," excreted Sigmoid Colon. "Third party voters need to face reality: it's shit or piss, and if they want something else they're throwing their votes away. You can kiss your ass goodbye now. He only has four more weeks in office."

"The Digestocratic and Reproductipublican Parties have left us with a choice between Tweedledung and Tweedlepee. Until citizens refuse to settle for the lesser of two fecals, this will not change," said Brain. "Vote your conscience."

In response to the election, the Fed plans to lower interest rates while raising self-abuse rates, to spur growth in the sagging economy. When asked to comment on the market, Dick announced, "The days of lotion are over--Vice President Knutt and I are oil men." Members of the Dick team scrambled to put the comment in its proper context.

Correction: In an earlier article, we incorrectly stated that there is a "vast difference" between the candidates. The article should have read, "there is a vas deferens between the candidates."

Last modified 12 June 2001.

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