The Internet
Confessional
We are all digital sinners. Through the Sacrament of Web Penance, we
are bestowed with Sanctifying Grace, Sacramental Grace, forgiveness
and absolution of our sins, etc. This page aims to simplify and
expedite the complicated process of Internet confession.
First of all, we need contrition. Before you can feel sorrow
for your TCP/IP sins, you must know what they are; please refer to
Sins of the Internet, at the bottom of this page.
Do you feel contrite yet? Good.
Now, we can proceed with the confession. Your words will be heard by
a Perl script of the priesthood, who will manage a few clerical tasks
and forward your confession to /dev/god (symbolically linked--for your
privacy--to
/dev/null). The priest will then deliver your penance.
Simulate?!?
Unfortunately, I don't have an environment for running my own CGI scripts
yet. In the meantime, you can experience a futuristically accurate
preenactment of what the confessional experience will be like once the
script is up and running. Please note that the final version will be a
mindblowing bonanza of interactivity.
Sins of the Internet
Web Sins
- My web pages are only readable with certain browsers.
- My web pages contain:
- Animated GIF's with no delay loop.
- Satanic blinking text.
- "Cyberspace."
- Unrighteously excessive use of frames or cookies.
- <MSHTML>
- Background images that make the page illegible.
- General lamosity.
- I sue people for linking to my page.
- I sue people for linking to pages I don't like.
- I sue people because I don't like their META tags.
Email Sins
- In my wickedness, I have spammed for personal gain.
- I accidentally replied to everyone on a large mailing list and I don't
know whether or not to send an apology to everyone. (Note: Don't send an
apology.)
- My mail client is vulnerable to email viruses, so friends and strangers
are forced to suffer for my ill judgment.
- "Forward this to ten friends and you will get laid 30 times a day."
(It doesn't work.)
- I use HTML in my email without knowing beforehand that the recipient
is into that sort of thing.
- In my mortal silliness, I have sent my email as a 23k Word document that says, "hi."
Usenet Sins
- I have immodestly posted to a newsgroup without first knowing what the
newsgroup is for.
- In pagan indulgence, I have cross posted to several newsgroups of only
tangential relevance.
- I have been a heretical troll.
- To save my own time, I have posted a question to a newsgroup that is
answered in the FAQ, at the great expense of others.
Many might object to an online confessional. "A Perl script could
never be ordained--they're not even male!" "This Perl script has not
been granted the proper faculty to administer confession." These
objections are understandable, but thanks to divine providence, there
is a loophole: "in danger of death," these trifles need not apply.
Since we will all be long dead before a Perl script is granted this
faculty, I'd say it's valid. So go nuts, Sinner!
One more thing: I have researched the legality of my pages, and I believe
that they're okay. If you know of any reasons why this might not be the
case, I would be interested in hearing
them.
Up |
Comments
Last modified 21 January 2000.
Best viewed with netcat.